Dreams of My Soul Sister

(Rory)                       

    I found myself visiting Rory’s parents one day, as I had several times since Rory passed away. Visiting them proved to be both comforting and hard...comforting, because there is a peace that comes when you surround yourself with people who relate to your sorrow... hard because..well, there is pain when you love someone as strongly as we loved/love Rory...and pain resurfaces in the company of others that remind you of who you lost.  It's a catch 22. 

I knocked on the door, but this time no one answered. I took the liberty to let myself in, making my way passed the living room, and then stopping dead in my tracks in the dining room. Rory  was standing in the kitchen 10 feet from where I was standing! “Wha...how?....How is this happening?”, I whimpered, shaking in terror, “You...you’re gone. Am I dreaming?”.  She didn’t answer, only smiled her sweet, unique underbite of a smile.

To this point in my life, I had been holding it together pretty well, considering one of my best friend's lives had been snuffed out with no explanation at such a young age. I was, since her passing, trying terribly hard to be a source of strength to those around me that were also suffering this huge, unexplained open wound of a loss. I felt emotions everyday...some days extreme sadness...some days anger...some both. But I had yet to have my moment...you know, the one where you allow yourself to melt into the earth like lava with your pain? That moment. It had not yet arrived.

We sat on the couch, her and I...me mostly just staring in disbelief. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back the last time you called me.”, I whispered, “I should have called you back.” 

See...three days before Rory died, she called me out of the blue. This wasn’t a normal occurrence. Although we met and developed our friendship here in NJ, Rory had started a life in Colorado. So, we had monthly phone dates, that were always planned. On the Sunday before she died, she called me. I was just getting home from work, had two hyper kids both speaking to me at the same time, and arms full of groceries when she called. In my flustered state, I wasn’t thinking about how weird it was that she called me randomly.... I was just overwhelmed, and asked her if I could call her back.

I forgot to.

She died two days later.

This has haunted me with guilt ever since.

She didn’t say anything back. She  laid my head into her lap and I cried and wailed and let out everything I had been holding in for so long. She ran her fingers through my hair, kindly and calmingly until I stopped. She leaned over and whisper in my ear, “I’m okay, Kate. And you will be too.”

Then...I woke up. Shaken...but peaceful at the same time. 

Thank you, Rory...for forgiving me.