A Mother's Heart (pt. 2)

Trinity Hope - The Answer to My Prayers

Not that the OBGYN is every an extremely fun place to be...however, I was not only uncomfortable, but excruciatingly nervous. Despite the air conditioning constantly running on the “South Pole” setting in the office that day, I was flushed and sweating with a pit in my stomach that overwhelmed me. The doctor only left me for a moment. It felt like hours. Every tick the clock made sent little anxiety shocks down my spine.

Since I was a young girl, I had always had a desire to grow up and be a mother. My heart was so full of love for my son, and my life so much more fulfilling because of him. Mattie (being around 3 at the time) always liked the idea of having a brother or sister in his future. I knew that I wanted more children. And my desire for this never dissipated, even after the horrible news I didn’t know I was about to receive...

    After the birth of my son, I developed a very painful and life altering disease called Endometriosis. This is a condition in which scar tissue mutates and attacks your reproductive organs. Once spread, can attach itself to surrounding areas, such as your intentions, colon, etc. The only way to describe the pain is that it feels as though barbed wire is choking, twisting, and stabbing everything in your mid section. It’s crippling. I know anyone reading this that has had this disease understands exactly what I’m talking about. It changes your whole life. It absolutely changed mine. There were days that I couldn’t move. The pain was so intense that eating, walking, and more daily activities became a challenge. After a series of doctor’s appointments and second opinions, I moved forward with a specialist to see what my options were to control the disease. At first, I wasn’t even thinking about anything other than the pain…the thought that this could and would affect my ability to conceive any more children, had yet to be explained to me.

My doctor (the specialist), who is truly one of the kindest and most caring people I have ever met, sat me down and broke the news to me. He had “the face”...you know, the face someone makes when they are preparing to tell you something painful, like your dog got hit by a car while you were away or something. He explained that after the first laparoscopy I had, they discovered very quickly how serious my condition really was. It was so much worse than any of  the doctors had anticipated. The scar tissue had spread to my ovaries,  was surrounding the entire lower portion of my uterus, and had already strangled out my right tube. There was also evidence of it on my cervix and colon. In addition, because it was so wide spread over my uterus, it had actually fused my uterus to my intestine. I don’t think I really understood at first, but after it sunk in a little, I asked the question, “What does this mean for my future as a mother?” He scooped up my hand, and tried to calm the trembling, as he explained to me that my  chances to conceive were extremely unlikely due to the severity of my disease. I think everyone in the building could have audibly heard my heart break.

    Anyone who knows me well, knows that I don’t go down without a fight. This news...this “you can’t”...well, I didn’t accept that. So, I moved forward with treatments to do all that I could to fight this disease and fulfill my dream of having more children. Over the course of two years I underwent four laser scrapings, three different medication attempts, and a hard core type of treatment that used to help to cancer patients. I lost my hair in chunks, as a side effect. But none of that mattered to me...I just wanted to fight! After all the treatments and surgeries were done, there wasn’t anything left to try. My tubes were destroyed and a tubal pregnancy ending in miscarriage was all I was told I could expect. And they were right...I had two miscarriages. 

I knew that there was nothing else MAN could do to help me. I could only rely on God to hear the cry of my heart, and trust Him and His Will for my life. I was blessed to grow up in a wonderful church, and sought out the prayers of George and Garnett Glenning, a couple in the church known for their powerful prayers and their compassion for the hurting. These two people are so faithful and obedient to the call that God has placed on their lives, and I knew that I needed to find them! When my husband at the time and I approached the Glennings, they were so gracious. The stood with us, and prayed over my womb, laying their hands on and coming into agreement with us for my healing and for my ability to be a mother again. We thanked the Lord that His Will (no matter what that was) would be done, and that He would give me the strength to accept what ever that would be.

Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter! My doctors could not believe it! They said it was medically impossible for her to have gotten past my tubes. But MY GOD is BIGGER and STRONGER than any bad report of this world! NOTHING is impossible for the Lord, Jesus Christ! It was a miracle...that is why it could not be explained!

Because of all of my complications from my last pregnancy, and the Endometriosis complications, my pregnancy was well monitored. I developed Gestational Diabetes, and was put on a very strict diet. They would only allow me to gain about 25 lbs, to control both my Diabetes and my blood pressure. As you can imagine, for a pregnant women, not being able to eat anything delicious was TORTURE!!! But it was totally worth it to ensure my baby girl arrive safely. I fought to have her for so long, that if I couldn’t have a piece of pie -I WOULD DEAL WITH IT!!!

Trinity Hope was born at 10:45am July 19, 2007, two weeks before her due date. She was a planned C-section, and I was awake for the surgery. I was so nervous. All I wanted to do was hear her cry. I just needed her to cry!!! Then suddenly…. “QUACK!!!” Quack? Yep...she quacked! Much like her big brother, the Little Miss had her very own unique cry, that made me laugh out loud the second I heard it!! Her father, myself, and every doctor and nurse in the room all couldn’t help but laugh until she settled. She was bright pink like her brother was. 7 lbs 13 ounces. She had a bright purple birthmark on her right heel shaped like a bean (that later disappeared). She had a full head of brown straight hair (that would later develop into dirty blond curls) and the brightest electric blue eyes I had ever seen (which she still has!). They rushed her to me. She looked SO MAD! But she was SO beautiful! I welled up with tears the second I saw her, kissed her on her little cheek and said, “I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time!” 

I pray daily, that my beautiful daughter will find her place in this dark world, and that she will continue and desire to be a light in it. She has amazing spiritual gifts, and I know that the Lord can and will use her greatly. She is a leader! 

My song for Trinity-
In My Arms by Plumb

Trinity,
    You are important. You are loved. You are special. I am so glad that I didn’t surrender to the report of the doctors and fought for you with the help of the Lord Jesus. Always remember how loved and wanted you have always been by me. Always keep Jesus first in your life. He will love you and protect you better than any man ever will, and one day He will bring a man into your life that will show you a love that you deserve...a love that is a reflection of the heart that God has for you. Be patient, and wait for it. Don’t try to fit in. BE YOURSELF! You be yourself, and the right people will love you that way, Honey. Stay soft and kind. Do not let hurts turn into bitterness. Stay beautiful on the inside….it takes more work than the outside, trust me. Life will have it’s challenges, and it will be easy to turn to the wrong things or people to get through...but, Baby Girl, learn from Mommy’s mistakes...RUN straight to the arms of Jesus instead. 

Everytime. I promise you, there is nothing better out there for you than your Heavenly Father. I am proud of you. I am grateful for you. You are my miracle girl. You are the answer to my prayers!

To the moon and back,
Mama