Matthew Devon - my knight in shimmering armor
It was a cold day in the winter of 2002. My hands were dry and cracked, wrapped tightly around the steering wheel of my ‘91 Ford Taurus. I was wandering in my car with no direction. I just knew I couldn’t go home yet. I wish I knew exactly what I was thinking about, but my stress level washed it from my memory. I just know I was lost. Not lost in a sense that I didn’t know where I was..I just didn’t know where I was going (in more ways than one). At one point, something took over my steering. Sounds crazy, I know. It didn’t make sense to me either, but my car literally ended up in the parking lot of Chestnut Assembly of God (a church one town over from where I lived). I sat in the parking lot for a while, staring at the big concrete cross that runs the full top to bottom length of the building. It comforted and scared me at the same time. I got out slowly, and started walking toward the entrance way. I didn’t see any other cars in the parking lot, so for all I knew the building was locked...but it wasn’t. I opened the door, but held it open for a few minutes. My hands were shaking, but not from the cold. I knew moment I touched those doors that the presence of God was in this building. I could feel it the second I touched the door, and it made me tremble. During that minute or two in limbo while holding the door, I faced the biggest decision of my life. I needed to step IN or back OUT.
Let me briefly explain my life and challenges at the time before I continue….
When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I wasn’t in anyway prepared to be a mom. I was 19, in an unhealthy relationship, not making good decisions, and was very self destructive. I had attempted suicide once already, and was struggling everyday to choose to be alive. I was lost, and finding comfort in the wrong people and in the wrong things.
That being said...
I wanted him...from the second I found out he existed, and even though he wasn’t planned...I wanted him! Abortion or adoption NEVER crossed my mind for even a second. I felt very unworthy to be a mom, given the current state of my life, and at that moment... I knew that something had to change.
I had to change.
That cold February morning, I decided to step INTO that church doorway. I looked all around for any sign of another person, but it was just me and God that day. I walked through the doors of the sanctuary and fell on my face crying out to the Lord. I sobbed the words, “Jesus, help me!”...and I felt the warmth of His presence wrap all around me like a blanket. I felt His love, forgiveness, and mercy surround me. I felt years of shame, and condemnation fall off of my soul, and I felt a strength and grace that I had never felt before, and I laid in His presence for what felt like hours. When I got up off that floor, and walked back out of that church, I left a different person than who had walked in. I resolved that my life was no longer about me….but now about my baby.
I’d like to tell you that from that point on everything in my life and my circumstances were perfect, but that isn’t the way life works. The devil tried to rob me of Mattie (that’s what I call my son) many times throughout my pregnancy. There was a lot of challenges I was facing in my personal life at the time, and in addition to those stresses I was attending school full time to become a certified Cosmetologist. I owe so much to my parents and sister, who despite all challenges and emotions, were incredibly helpful and supportive to me. They took care of me and prayed for me. I would have never gotten through the pregnancy without them. I was also very blessed to have had an amazing midwife, that was proactive, knowledgeable and kind, but Mattie wanted out...and he wanted out way too soon. I went into pre-term labor at 18 weeks, 22 weeks, and 30 weeks. However, during all of these difficulties, I kept hearing God say, “I am with you.” And I know He was. He was with us both.
One day in early September, I was getting dressed to go out to dinner with my parents, when my water broke. I knew what was happening, and that it wasn’t something that could be stopped any longer. He was coming early and there was NOTHING further myself or anyone else could do to stop him. On the way to the hospital, I sat in the back seat, my dad was driving, and my mom was in the front passenger seat. It was humid and rainy outside. The roads were gross, and as we were stopped at a red light, the car behind us slammed right into the back of us! I did not have my seatbelt on, so my knees slammed into the back of the front seat really hard. My dad was so concentrated on getting me to the hospital that he didn’t even care about the car! After making sure the person in the car behind us was okay, he hopped right back in and got me to the ER of Bridgeton hospital as quickly as possible!
After several hours in labor with my midwife by my side, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel right. There was something wrong besides the labor pains. My baby’s heart beat was becoming erratic, and my midwife looked worried. I heard her call in an a different doctor and told him I was preclamptic. I asked what that meant and they explained that my blood pressure was so high that I could have a stroke any moment. I immediately prayed, “Jesus, please help my baby”. I remember looking around the room and then suddenly... I blacked out.
Matthew Devon arrived at 10:33pm on September 4th, 2002 via emergency C-section, three weeks before his due date. I don’t remember anything about the delivery itself. Only waking up in a room with a bright pink baby boy being held in his father’s arms. He was beautiful, like a porcelain doll. He had a full head of silky blonde curls and deep blue eyes (that would later turn into grey/green). He was 8 pounds 4 ounces, and had chubby cheeks (still does!). He was named after his Father (Matthew) and my brother (Devon) who passed away. He had a cry that was very distinctive. “Ah-la-waah!” ...that was his cry. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
At the time of this writing, Matthew is now 13 years old. He has graced my life with love and humor, and strength. He is one of the most genuine, pure hearted, talented young men on this planet.
He has had challenges in his short 13 years... But has walked and continues to walk through them victoriously. In the darkest moments of my life, he has been supportive, loving, encouraging, and helpful. I couldn't imagine what my life would look like if he wasn't a part of it.
I pray daily, that the Lord will continue to bless my boy’s life and that others will see Mattie the way that I see him...ONE OF KIND, and amazing! Since the day he arrived...he has been the true hero of my life. In so many ways he has shown me how to love like I never imagined possible. He has (from the beginning) given my life purpose and direction, and brought me off a path of self destruction. I don’t believe that Mattie was an accident, I believe he was a gift, delivered by God, just in time to rescue me. He rescued me from myself.
My song for Mattie:
Wonderwall by Oasis -covered by Ryan Adams
Matthew,
You are perfect.
Love always,
Mama
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