Monday, November 26, 2012

Suitcase

On a journey of sorts
Close eyed
Listening
Hair pulled back tight
Skin pale
Hopeful

Caught up in a symphony
A tune that pulls like gravity
Plants me down firmly when I try to wonder
An unavoidable painful pleasure

Shivers
Poison
Laughter
Despair

I didn't notice-
As far as you could tell
I didn't primp
Only laughed at myself
Amused by the secret
The pointlessness
Tripping over the emotion

Running away
The grass here is dying
Throat dry
I've hit repeat too many times

Buy a ticket
Pack a suitcase

Search for something Devine
Inhale new air
Feel the sun burn differently
Taste the salt of a new sea
And around the rim of a new glass

Bargain with strangers
Question everything
Decide what air
What sun
What salt
You can't live without
And draw a line

Rise each day
From the resting place you create
To either pain or free yourself

Show mercy to the dreams of your childhood
Allow shame to exit your soul
Let God flow out of your fingers
And light shine out if your eyes

Be strong
Be unrecognizable
Be transformed

Begin


On a Train with a Secret
Acrylics on Canvas
Artist: Kate Hart

Friday, November 16, 2012

Can't Sleep

Give me something, please...
Something strong,
Something quick,
To quiet the noise,
To slow the anxious heart beats,
To ease my swollen eyes.

Let me lose myself for awhile...
Drown out the question on repeat-
"Why aren't I enough?"
Everyone wants something else,
Someone else,
Leaving me...
Standing wide eyed and open armed,
Holding my gifts of unconditional love,
Endless admiration,
And laughter of joys yet to come.
Gifts wrapped in flesh,
Tied up tight with wishful thinking.

I was beautiful once...
Less damaged.
Now it's an unpredictable combo
Of tough and crumbling.
Which will I be today?

Distraction seeking me.
Adventure seeking me.
Anything seeking me...
To keep my thoughts at bay.
Walking on ledges.
Sinking under waves.
It's alright, girl...
Someday it's gonna change.
You'll lock eyes with a stranger
Who will never want to look away,
Who will help you hold your balance,
And pull you up for air.

Your laughter will dance in their ears,
Your smile will send aches into their bones.
They will live, and love, and taste everything that is YOU,
And they will know that they are home.

Someday.
One day.

I need to sleep.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Veil

What if just for one day
I tore off the veil,
Indulged myself in honesty
And held back nothing?

What if people got to hear
The inner workings of my heart,
Exposing all thoughts and desires,
The lovely and hideous that harbor internally?

Shall we dance, you and I?
Yes, you...
 The one with no clue.
Would you be prepared to soak in the truth
Unfiltered?
It will fall like hail, I assume,
Cracking windshields of ignorance.

Shall we sit, you and I?
Yes, you...
The one I secretly long for.
Can you take a moment to clear your mind
Uninterrupted?
I will expose myself raw,
Crumbling walls of blindness.

Shall we hash this out, you and I?
The one who tore my soul.
Would you be prepared to shut your filthy mouth?
I'll sow it shut.
It will hurt like hell,
Repaying years of  emotional violence.

Shall we visit, you and I?
Yes, you...
The one I lost too soon.
Can you fly down and wipe my tears?
Breathe on my neck one more time?
It will calm my spirit,
Refreshing belief in God and man.

What if just for one day,
People had to listen, had to see,
Unable to avoid the knowledge
Of the admiration or disdain?

Would all things remain the same?
Would lights turn on and redirect?
Or would all stay unchanged,
Leaving me naked and vulnerable,
Veil at my feet,
Alone?




Artwork by: Julia Trops
(http://www.rubylane.com/item/456719-femalenude30-12/Original-Art-Veil-Scarf-Female)

Monday, November 5, 2012

Fight

Ingest it...
Your self created poison,
Seasoned with your manipulations,
Served scolding hot
With the hell fire that is surely one day your destiny.

The words of your mouth
Can burn like gasoline
Melting flesh and confidence,
Turning peace and hope into ashes.

Do you sleep?
Are you relaxed with the notion that your disguise
Is made so well
That observers pass you by unaware
Of the vulgarity and violent insecurity
You exhale into the atmosphere?

But you are clumsy,
Predictable,
And your eyes are vacant...soulless.
You blame my departure,
But you were empty long before I tried to love you.
God knows I tried.
I tried to love you, despite of yourself.

But you imprisoned me.
Striped me naked of my self respect and peace of mind.
You p****ed across the doorway of my freedom,
Marking your territory like the dog you are.

I felt it...
The cold,
The panic.
I trembled in fear of the lifelessness of everything I was.
And I became desperate for air.

So I breathed...
A deep long breath.
And I ran with all my might.

Your attempts to punish me since,
Have returned only to punish you,
Trapping you into a fake life,
A fake love,
A fake future.
Suffocating yourself,
Only no one can rescue you.
So choke.
Gasp for each breath.

I've got a life to live,
And all the oxygen I need.



Thursday, October 25, 2012

Monsters

Evil no longer hides itself
Under bed frames,
Inside closets.

It lurks behind smiles,
Kind gestures,
Familiar faces.

It's an old man sitting on a porch.
An unraised ferrel child.

It's in the atmosphere,
Thick like smoke.

It surrounds us,
Dines with us,
Says hello to us on the street.

These are not campfire villains,
These are the stories we wish we never had to tell.

Our nightmares walk amongst us,
And make each day lived an act of bravery.

Humans.
The scariest monsters of all.

God helps us.



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

This Heart of Mine

Let's state the obvious:
Broken? Check.
Abused? Check.
Neglected? Check.

Cause and effect.
That's the reality of life,
But it does not define.

My heart?
My heart is something beautiful,
Something merciful,
Something exposed.

It's bloody.
Dripping with love and empathy
For the souls that capture it,
Deservingly, undeservingly, and unaware.

It rejoices when those held in it
Smile with the slightest achievement,
Laugh with the simplest joy,
Or rise triumphantly from the most painful ashes.

It aches when those it cherishes
Suffer loss of love or life,
Struggle to recognize their own value and worth,
Or latch on to something or someone harmful for them.

My heart?
Is it afraid? Yes.
Is it damaged? Yes.
Is it vulnerable? Yes.

But it still beats
With rhythm and strength.
And it will bleed with love and light
Until it returns
To the One who created it
Just as He wanted it to be.


Arise
Acrylics on Canvas
Artist: Kate Hart

Stench

How do you sleep at night?
Is your soul that void?

You have a stench...
Rancid,
Vulgar,
Lingering.

So well rehearsed,
You no longer need to review the script.
You fool yourself,
Believing my silence is 'fear of you'.
Don't flatter yourself.

TRUTH decides, on its own,
When it wants to present itself.
So, I've released it to do so.
My assistance isn't needed.

"Truth"
Do you recognize that word?
Are you familiar with its meaning?
I imagine it's as foreign to you
As "monogamy" or "decency".

Do you not see the distance I create?
And then here you come...
Like a moth to the flame,
Only I'm the one that gets burned,
Because I'm the only one
With a moral compass.

I struggle not to allow your dysfunctional weight,
Collapse me to the level of your character,
That creeps lower than the cracks
In the filthy oil stained pavement.

You are where you belong...
In the arms of the blind,
In the heart of the desperate.
So, seek refuge and sympathy elsewhere.
I'm all sold out here.
(Artist unknown)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Disorder


Where does my heart go when I suffer?
It forces itself into my throat,
Suffocating and nauseating me...
That's where is goes.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Mirror


The sting of all this loss,
The choking grip of this solitude…
Will it dull?

It feels like gasoline,
Burning holes and eating away my insides
Until all that remains of me
Are ashes on a dirty floor
That everyone steps over,
And never cleans up.
No fight left.
No longer trying to be seen.

Mirror, Mirror….
Show me something other than me.

Scars are souvenirs from places
I never wished to travel.
The reflection comes back
And all I see is the outline of a ghost…
Transparent and forgotten
Mourning the loss of itself,
Its relevance,
Its existence.

Mirror, Mirror…
I want to see someone complete.

I hear the white noise of voices.
“You are so beautiful” they say.
They say it….and walk away.
They say it, but they don’t stay.
They don’t rip open the exterior
And look deeper inside…
To see the maze of darkness
Leads somewhere that light still remains.

Mirror, Mirror…
I want someone to see inside of me.

Observing the familiar and the new,
Finding treasure in the decay and the growth,
Relating to the chaos and the calm,
Enjoying the wild and the refined,
And feeling comfort and joy in what they see.

Mirror, Mirror…
I want to see someone next to me.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Feel


Sometimes I find myself in the midst of the action,
Observing only.
Listening...
Watching...
Soaking in the moments...
Witnessing the reactions, replies, and emotions
That others put out into the atmosphere.

Not judging or assuming,
Just studying.
Learning.
Seeing that we all carry our weight unevenly.
Handle our struggles uniquely.
It's reality.
Humanity.

We decorate our souls.
Close ourselves off.
Regret vulnerability.
Embrace who we are.
We cause each other pain.
Give each other strength.
We can make someone’s day with one word,
Or destroy their whole world with one action.

Cause and effect.
Just rats in a maze,
Laughing,
Crying,
Living,
Dying,
Trying to find the right way.

We search for love.
We get let down.
We get distracted.
We stay still too long.
We fear our own strength is not enough to see us through,
So we follow people that we know are going the wrong way,
To avoid walking alone.

We have religion, beliefs, and sexuality...
Not any two people exactly the same.
We judge, hate, and separate ourselves self righteously from each other.
Yet demand others respect us for who and what we are.
We fear, curse, seek, and deny God all in one breath.


We run from the light,
Avoiding the exposure and transparency
Of our hearts to our own eyes.
Walking contradictions
In a labyrinth of twists and turns.
In that way, we are all the same.

You would think that would all point us to ONE direction...
Compassion.
Because we ALL feel.


Monday, July 23, 2012

Want You Here

(For Teddy)


Distasteful jokes
Cigarette breaks
Angst with the world
Musical debates

I want to raise my voice,
Tell you you're wrong...
That the voice in your head is a lair.
Hear ideas you have for a song.

I want to force feed you compliments
And just listen to the sound of your breath.
I want you to tell me you'll hold on one more day,
And not talk anymore about death.

Call me....stop by...Say anything.
Remind me that your soul is in pain,
And I'll remind you of a God who loves you
When you're broken again and again.

Tell me you love me one more time.
Hear, I love you too.
Laugh, cry, fall apart, scream if you must...
I go through these emotions too.

Share with me your wildest dream,
And describe to me your fear.
Nothing you tell me will scare me away.
I just want you here.








Friday, July 20, 2012

Masterpiece



Outside of myself at times,
Reflections come back empty.
I observe my surroundings…
Tables,
Chairs,
Paint on the wall.
Material nonsense.

Is this all there is?
A daily dance of time cards,
Polite gestures,
Medicated emotions?

Realizing that the “fly on the wall” moments
Are no different than the “wild child” ones,
In that, the feeling is always the same at the end of the day.
Alone.

A guarded or vulnerable heart…still broken.
Compliments and encouragement fall on deaf ears.
Judgments and rejections shoot blankly against numb emotions.

Then I pray.

And God gives me a new outlook.
Viewing myself and others
Through a kaleidoscope.
Focusing on all the scattered pieces
Of what and who we are
Start to jumble and spin out of control.

And I realize that somewhere inside that insane mixed up mess,
When I look at the big picture,
There is such beauty.
An abstract masterpiece
That doesn’t need straight lines to define it
Or soft brush strokes to be lovely.

And God reminds me that He takes  the mess of our lives
And throws them all randomly on the canvas
To attract and appeal to the right individuals.
Not everyone.

So I’ll consider it a blessing,
When I am passed over
Because one day
The mess won't matter
And someone will find a treasure in me.
God's masterpiece.

Release
Acrylics on Canvas
Artist: Kate Hart

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Weeds


Masquerades
Chandeliers
Pretty things
Pearly smiles
An artful dance...
Masking tears
Embellishing darkness
Decorating gloom
Playing pretend
Disguise it cleverly,
This satisfaction...
This "PLAN B"  life
That suites you so fine.
Its a skilled talent...
Thinking all is as it should be...
As it was always meant to be...
As you have been convinced it should be.
Book-smart, but in life... so uneducated
So the misfits creep in
And take what they need
And leave you clueless to the robbery...
Of your body,
Of your mind,
Of your soul.
Sacrificing truth to believe
What is needed to justify on the inside
That which you have done
Not only to one, but many.
Living a guiltless life.
You broke me into pieces,
And shook secure places inside,
And my belief in people...humans...friends.
But such a blessing it was...
Unrevealed...
Until a later time,
When the sunlight of your absence came through
Revealing all the unseen goodness
That can come from removing the "Weeds" of  your life.
And I see clearly now,
That was all you always were.
You, and so many others...
"Weeds".
Although attractive before,
I see now that you were just as dangerous
As the obvious poisons
That had been choking the life out of me for so long.
So along with the pain of your uprooting,
I have gained more room to grow.
Thanks for that.

 All of you.


If You Really Knew Me


(For the people who wish to been seen)


You know nothing of me,
Only what you believe to be true.
You assume,
But you don't see the daily mess
That swims around my head
Whispering...
Reminding me of the loneliness I feel
In a room full of people.

What do you know of the moments
I question why I am even here
And how life just seems to happen to me
Instead of me really living it?

Don't compliment or admire my strength.
I'm just as weak as anyone else...
Probably more.
I get mad at God,
I shatter things when I'm alone,
I scream in the dark.

My pain is real.
It's raw.
Cut open, time and time again.
No time to heal.
No mercy.

I'm not the "cool chick".
Don't label me that way.
I feel out of place everywhere I go.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.

Don't see my broken heart
As an opportunity to prey on me...
To be your next conquest.
I find more pain
In realizing that about you.

I'm just a broken person
Who wishes they could fly away
Directly into the sun
Evaporating the scars of this life.

You call me beautiful?
You have no idea how some days
The thought of connecting eyes with another human
Terrifies me to the core.

You call me a B--ch?
Well, right there you and I agree.
As loving and compassionate as I try to be
Humans, especially "Christians"
Disgust the F--k out of me
With their lies and selfishness
Their poor reflection of God's heart for everyone.

Let my walls down you say?
For what?
So you can explore and see
What is left for you to take?

What do you want from me?
Confidence?
Trust?
Sex?
Something in common?

I'm sorry,
But that is asking too much right now.
What you can have,
Is the truth.
31
Acrylics on Canvas
Artist: Kate Hart


Reality...As You Have Missed It.


what's that like for you...
living life in reverse?
proving that everything you "were"
was as false as I always knew it was.

you see life through a box
small enough to only view
what YOU want and what YOU need.
purposely avoiding the full picture
of everything and everyone
your selfishness hurts.
while you are observed by tiny eyes with big hearts.

lust overpowers your love.
cruelty overpowers your pain.
revenge overpowers your hurt.
desire overpowers your morality.

not one intention, plot, or game you play
is overlooked.
where man cannot see your intention,
God can.
a reality, that in the end,
you cannot escape.
and for that reason...
my pain and brokenness for myself
is joined with pity for you.

Failed Attempt


You always tried to make me question everything about myself...
My tastes, my wants, my friends, my goals, my opinions.
And, for awhile...
I lost myself in your control and deception.
Too fearful of what might happen if I stood up,
And finally walked away.
And so, I became a shell of myself.
Fake smiles, forced laughter, secret tears.
Void. Empty. Vacant. Numb.

You tried to rob me of MYSELF,
And MYSELF is something I forgot I loved,
For years while in your care.

Until ONE GLANCE....
That's it, one glance in the mirror
Mascara running down with the steady flow of tears,
That could not slow their flow.
And that fear, and intimidation flowed out of my heart, mind, and spirit
In that split second of a glance.

And I finally walked away.
Unafraid.

And my days have been brighter.
My breaths have been easier.
My numbness removed.
And I see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me...
Beautiful
Worthy
Enough

And I love MYSELF...which is something you never did.
You did not break me.
You did not take away my belief in love.
You did not destroy my faith.
You did not change WHO I AM.

You lose.


Chance


It exists.

Heavy chests lighten.
Short breaths slow their haste.
Troubled sleepers calm.
Peace? Possibly?
Or a calm before the storm, unseen?
The answer irrelevant.
The truth revealed in time and proven in action.

Knowledge and ignorance.
Walls and vulnerability.
Work and rest.
Doubt and hope.
A collaboration of contradiction mixed
To create acceptance of a world so relentless.

Creating one's own world
One decision at a time.
One brick from the wall taken down at a time
Sunlight shining through into places
That darkness kept company so long.

Hurt is always a possible outcome of
any and all vulnerability,
but so is joy, love, and bliss.
Weigh the risks...

It exists.


Just Know

Remember, Know, Hold On

Always struggling
to see the beauty you posses
that is so evident
to the rest of the world.

Never secure in the value and courage
welded into your being.

Fearful of inadequacy and failure,
when in reality
you have every quality in you
that the majority lack.

Integrity, Strength, Color,
Compassion, Generosity, Kindness.

Maybe other's denying you of these
qualities through their actions
has blinded you to the truth of yourself.

Remember, Know, and Hold On to
this truth I reinforce.

For every moment I walk in this life
is a step I take taller and stronger
because of you.

No distance or status can change that reality.
And no direction in life can defy it.

Prayers, Blessings, and Joys
are wished for you always and in all things.
For if you know anything at all
you know that words do not escape me
without pure genuine intent,

Know who you are and never question it.
Beautiful. Spiritual, Wonderful.

Freedom


Your spiteful actions
Hoping to press hard into the bruises
Already made, but "almost" healed.
Wanting the "almost" to turn things backwards
And shatter my insides
As you succeeded at before.
Wishing the damage to be irreparable this time
Because you are certain enough pain
Has not been accomplished.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you...

Your place in my life was removed by my choice
And my attempt to pick up
The remaining pieces of my life
In hopes to hold on to what was left of myself,
And to protect my flesh and blood
From witnessing an example of selfishness and control.

And I succeeded...

So, you can throw your childish fits.
You can pretend I can't see right through the mask
You wear so clumsily for everyone else.
But I know everything you are
And more importantly,
I know everything you are not.

So, jokes on you...

My life is full.
My heart is open.
My priorities are right.
And my possibilities are endless.

But you...

You will remain an empty shell of a human
Who continues to throw every God given chance away
Like Wednesday morning trash.
And where I once cared to try to help
And encourage you,
Despite all the suffering you put me through,
I now remove that final weight,
No matter how small,
And I let go.

Nothing is going to bring me down...

Not you,
Your words,
Or your display of false romance.

I do not use these words in anger, spite, or rage.
Only to declare my right to my thoughts,
My needs,
And my wants...
NONE of which you can affect again.

Only my prayers for you remain.
And my sympathies on the cage you have created for yourself.

Sincerely,
Someone Free

Freedom - A Friend's Betrayal


Skin growing over the mask worn so long.
Was there a sting when it finally ripped off
revealing the real you?
Heartless.
Did that get removed during your surgery too...
along with your morals, compassion, and loyalty?
Desperate.
Or was all the pain mine?
Foolish.

Silly me.

Juvenile justification.
Grasping for straws.
Voluntary stupidity.
He's good right?
Says and does all the right things?
Someone is lying...
it might as well be me, right?
since that fits into your agenda.

Convinced you were always "the one".
Nieve.
No clue your "treasure" is no more
than an award winning actor.
Wait for it...
The sharade will dropped.

Lonely summer?
Still don't know why?
I do. But I'll never tell.
I'll just let you sit in the theater
you created for yourself
and allow you to lose yourself in the show.

Silly you.

I warned you about this game.
But you threw away the instruction sheet I gave you.
Don't worry, you'll learn as you go.

As for me...I move forward not backwards.
Nor, do I stay in limbo.
I leave you to your delusions.
And strip myself of you.
Free.


My Gifts


Energy
Creativity
Imagination

Carefully threaded together, these four small gifts,
Giving purpose to my life
Filling voids, and empty spaces
with joy and laughter.

Forgetting self focus.
Nothing matters now
Except the net of protection
that must be weaved.

Realizing that I never knew myself
until they were placed in my arms.

Inspired to be more, to want more,
to hope more.
Motivated to fight, survive, and push
toward a life that would keep them secure.


My sons and daughters.
My everything.

An Angel Among Us


(For Rory)

Bright Eyes
Soft Voice
Healing Hands
Contagious Smile
Beautiful Spirit
  
So pure, selfless, and positive.
Leaving traces of light behind
Every footstep taken in this life.
  
An example to all.
An Angel among us,
Who's flight back to the heavens
Seems all too soon
To those who wish to have more moments
To hold you,
To thank you,
To soak in your radiant energy.
  
Knowing now, that although
You can not walk beside me,
You are watching over me,
And the Light you spread in this world
Continues to burn brightly
In the minds, souls, and spirits
Of all who love you.
  
Rest peacefully, my Rory,
Until we meet again,
And we dance on the beaches of Heaven
Wearing our wings together.