Feel

Sometimes I find myself in the midst of the action,

Observing only.

Listening...

Watching...

Soaking in the moments...

Witnessing the reactions, replies, and emotions

That others put out into the atmosphere.

Not judging or assuming,

Just studying.

Learning.

Seeing that we all carry our weight unevenly.

Handle our struggles uniquely.

It's reality.

Humanity.

We decorate our souls.

Close ourselves off.

Regret vulnerability.

Embrace who we are.

We cause each other pain.

Give each other strength.

We can make someone’s day with one word,

Or destroy their whole world with one action.

Cause and effect.

Just rats in a maze,

Laughing,

Crying,

Living,

Dying,

Trying to find the right way.

We search for love.

We get let down.

We get distracted.

We stay still too long.

We fear our own strength is not enough to see us through,

So we follow people that we know are going the wrong way,

To avoid walking alone.

We have religion, beliefs, and sexuality...

Not any two people exactly the same.

We judge, hate, and separate ourselves self righteously from each other.

Yet demand others respect us for who and what we are.

We fear, curse, seek, and deny God all in one breath.

We run from the light,

Avoiding the exposure and transparency

Of our hearts to our own eyes.

Walking contradictions

In a labyrinth of twists and turns.

In that way, we are all the same.

You would think that would all point us to ONE direction...

Compassion.

Because we ALL feel.

Want You Here

(For Teddy)


Distasteful jokes
Cigarette breaks
Angst with the world
Musical debates

I want to raise my voice,
Tell you you're wrong...
That the voice in your head is a lair.
Hear ideas you have for a song.

I want to force feed you compliments
And just listen to the sound of your breath.
I want you to tell me you'll hold on one more day,
And not talk anymore about death.

Call me....stop by...Say anything.
Remind me that your soul is in pain,
And I'll remind you of a God who loves you
When you're broken again and again.

Tell me you love me one more time.
Hear, I love you too.
Laugh, cry, fall apart, scream if you must...
I go through these emotions too.

Share with me your wildest dream,
And describe to me your fear.
Nothing you tell me will scare me away.
I just want you here.

Masterpiece

Outside of myself at times,

Reflections come back empty.

I observe my surroundings…

Tables,

Chairs,

Paint on the wall.

Material nonsense.

Is this all there is?

A daily dance of time cards,

Polite gestures,

Medicated emotions?

Realizing that the “fly on the wall” moments

Are no different than the “wild child” ones,

In that, the feeling is always the same at the end of the day.

Alone.

A guarded or vulnerable heart…still broken.

Compliments and encouragement fall on deaf ears.

Judgments and rejections shoot blankly against numb emotions.

Then I pray.

And God gives me a new outlook.

Viewing myself and others

Through a kaleidoscope.

Focusing on all the scattered pieces

Of what and who we are

Start to jumble and spin out of control.

And I realize that somewhere inside that insane mixed up mess,

When I look at the big picture,

There is such beauty.

An abstract masterpiece

That doesn’t need straight lines to define it

Or soft brush strokes to be lovely.

And God reminds me that He takes  the mess of our lives

And throws them all randomly on the canvas

To attract and appeal to the right individuals.

Not everyone.

So I’ll consider it a blessing,

When I am passed over

Because one day

The mess won't matter

And someone will find a treasure in me.

God's masterpiece.

Release

Acrylics on Canvas

Artist: Kate Hart

Weeds

Masquerades

Chandeliers

Pretty things

Pearly smiles

An artful dance...

Masking tears

Embellishing darkness

Decorating gloom

Playing pretend

Disguise it cleverly,

This satisfaction...

This "PLAN B"  life

That suites you so fine.

Its a skilled talent...

Thinking all is as it should be...

As it was always meant to be...

As you have been convinced it should be.

Book-smart, but in life... so uneducated

So the misfits creep in

And take what they need

And leave you clueless to the robbery...

Of your body,

Of your mind,

Of your soul.

Sacrificing truth to believe

What is needed to justify on the inside

That which you have done

Not only to one, but many.

Living a guiltless life.

You broke me into pieces,

And shook secure places inside,

And my belief in people...humans...friends.

But such a blessing it was...

Unrevealed...

Until a later time,

When the sunlight of your absence came through

Revealing all the unseen goodness

That can come from removing the "Weeds" of  your life.

And I see clearly now,

That was all you always were.

You, and so many others...

"Weeds".

Although attractive before,

I see now that you were just as dangerous

As the obvious poisons

That had been choking the life out of me for so long.

So along with the pain of your uprooting,

I have gained more room to grow.

Thanks for that.

 All of you.

If You Really Knew Me

(For the people who wish to been seen)


You know nothing of me,
Only what you believe to be true.
You assume,
But you don't see the daily mess
That swims around my head
Whispering...
Reminding me of the loneliness I feel
In a room full of people.

What do you know of the moments
I question why I am even here
And how life just seems to happen to me
Instead of me really living it?

Don't compliment or admire my strength.
I'm just as weak as anyone else...
Probably more.
I get mad at God,
I shatter things when I'm alone,
I scream in the dark.

My pain is real.
It's raw.
Cut open, time and time again.
No time to heal.
No mercy.

I'm not the "cool chick".
Don't label me that way.
I feel out of place everywhere I go.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.

Don't see my broken heart
As an opportunity to prey on me...
To be your next conquest.
I find more pain
In realizing that about you.

I'm just a broken person
Who wishes they could fly away
Directly into the sun
Evaporating the scars of this life.

You call me beautiful?
You have no idea how some days
The thought of connecting eyes with another human
Terrifies me to the core.

You call me a B--ch?
Well, right there you and I agree.
As loving and compassionate as I try to be
Humans, especially "Christians"
Disgust the F--k out of me
With their lies and selfishness
Their poor reflection of God's heart for everyone.

Let my walls down you say?
For what?
So you can explore and see
What is left for you to take?

What do you want from me?
Confidence?
Trust?
Sex?
Something in common?

I'm sorry,
But that is asking too much right now.
What you can have,
Is the truth.

31

Acrylics on Canvas

Artist: Kate Hart

Reality...As You Have Missed It.

what's that like for you...

living life in reverse?

proving that everything you "were"

was as false as I always knew it was.

you see life through a box

small enough to only view

what YOU want and what YOU need.

purposely avoiding the full picture

of everything and everyone

your selfishness hurts.

while you are observed by tiny eyes with big hearts.

lust overpowers your love.

cruelty overpowers your pain.

revenge overpowers your hurt.

desire overpowers your morality.

not one intention, plot, or game you play

is overlooked.

where man cannot see your intention,

God can.

a reality, that in the end,

you cannot escape.

and for that reason...

my pain and brokenness for myself
is joined with pity for you.

Failed Attempt

You always tried to make me question everything about myself...

My tastes, my wants, my friends, my goals, my opinions.

And, for awhile...

I lost myself in your control and deception.

Too fearful of what might happen if I stood up,

And finally walked away.

And so, I became a shell of myself.

Fake smiles, forced laughter, secret tears.

Void. Empty. Vacant. Numb.

You tried to rob me of MYSELF,

And MYSELF is something I forgot I loved,

For years while in your care.

Until ONE GLANCE....

That's it, one glance in the mirror

Mascara running down with the steady flow of tears,

That could not slow their flow.

And that fear, and intimidation flowed out of my heart, mind, and spirit

In that split second of a glance.

And I finally walked away.

Unafraid.

And my days have been brighter.

My breaths have been easier.

My numbness removed.

And I see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me...

Beautiful

Worthy

Enough

And I love MYSELF...which is something you never did.

You did not break me.

You did not take away my belief in love.

You did not destroy my faith.

You did not change WHO I AM.

You lose.

Chance

It exists.

Heavy chests lighten.

Short breaths slow their haste.

Troubled sleepers calm.

Peace? Possibly?

Or a calm before the storm, unseen?

The answer irrelevant.

The truth revealed in time and proven in action.

Knowledge and ignorance.

Walls and vulnerability.

Work and rest.

Doubt and hope.

A collaboration of contradiction mixed

To create acceptance of a world so relentless.

Creating one's own world

One decision at a time.

One brick from the wall taken down at a time

Sunlight shining through into places

That darkness kept company so long.

Hurt is always a possible outcome of

any and all vulnerability,

but so is joy, love, and bliss.

Weigh the risks...

It exists.

Just Know

Remember, Know, Hold On

Always struggling

to see the beauty you posses

that is so evident

to the rest of the world.

Never secure in the value and courage

welded into your being.

Fearful of inadequacy and failure,

when in reality

you have every quality in you

that the majority lack.

Integrity, Strength, Color,

Compassion, Generosity, Kindness.

Maybe other's denying you of these

qualities through their actions

has blinded you to the truth of yourself.

Remember, Know, and Hold On to

this truth I reinforce.

For every moment I walk in this life

is a step I take taller and stronger

because of you.

No distance or status can change that reality.

And no direction in life can defy it.

Prayers, Blessings, and Joys

are wished for you always and in all things.

For if you know anything at all

you know that words do not escape me

without pure genuine intent,

Know who you are and never question it.

Beautiful. Spiritual, Wonderful.

Freedom

Your spiteful actions

Hoping to press hard into the bruises

Already made, but "almost" healed.

Wanting the "almost" to turn things backwards

And shatter my insides

As you succeeded at before.

Wishing the damage to be irreparable this time

Because you are certain enough pain

Has not been accomplished.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you...

Your place in my life was removed by my choice

And my attempt to pick up

The remaining pieces of my life

In hopes to hold on to what was left of myself,

And to protect my flesh and blood

From witnessing an example of selfishness and control.

And I succeeded...

So, you can throw your childish fits.

You can pretend I can't see right through the mask

You wear so clumsily for everyone else.

But I know everything you are

And more importantly,

I know everything you are not.

So, jokes on you...

My life is full.

My heart is open.

My priorities are right.

And my possibilities are endless.

But you...

You will remain an empty shell of a human

Who continues to throw every God given chance away

Like Wednesday morning trash.

And where I once cared to try to help

And encourage you,

Despite all the suffering you put me through,

I now remove that final weight,

No matter how small,

And I let go.

Nothing is going to bring me down...

Not you,

Your words,

Or your display of false romance.

I do not use these words in anger, spite, or rage.

Only to declare my right to my thoughts,

My needs,

And my wants...

NONE of which you can affect again.

Only my prayers for you remain.

And my sympathies on the cage you have created for yourself.

Sincerely,

Someone Free

Freedom - A Friend's Betrayal

Skin growing over the mask worn so long.

Was there a sting when it finally ripped off

revealing the real you?

Heartless.

Did that get removed during your surgery too...

along with your morals, compassion, and loyalty?

Desperate.

Or was all the pain mine?

Foolish.

Silly me.

Juvenile justification.

Grasping for straws.

Voluntary stupidity.

He's good right?

Says and does all the right things?

Someone is lying...

it might as well be me, right?

since that fits into your agenda.

Convinced you were always "the one".

Nieve.

No clue your "treasure" is no more

than an award winning actor.

Wait for it...

The sharade will dropped.

Lonely summer?

Still don't know why?

I do. But I'll never tell.

I'll just let you sit in the theater

you created for yourself

and allow you to lose yourself in the show.

Silly you.

I warned you about this game.

But you threw away the instruction sheet I gave you.

Don't worry, you'll learn as you go.

As for me...I move forward not backwards.

Nor, do I stay in limbo.

I leave you to your delusions.

And strip myself of you.

Free.

My Gifts

Energy

Creativity

Imagination

Carefully threaded together, these four small gifts,

Giving purpose to my life

Filling voids, and empty spaces

with joy and laughter.

Forgetting self focus.

Nothing matters now

Except the net of protection

that must be weaved.

Realizing that I never knew myself

until they were placed in my arms.

Inspired to be more, to want more,

to hope more.

Motivated to fight, survive, and push

toward a life that would keep them secure.

My sons and daughters.

My everything.

An Angel Among Us

(For Rory)

Bright Eyes

Soft Voice

Healing Hands

Contagious Smile

Beautiful Spirit

  

So pure, selfless, and positive.

Leaving traces of light behind

Every footstep taken in this life.

  

An example to all.

An Angel among us,

Who's flight back to the heavens

Seems all too soon

To those who wish to have more moments

To hold you,

To thank you,

To soak in your radiant energy.

  

Knowing now, that although

You can not walk beside me,

You are watching over me,

And the Light you spread in this world

Continues to burn brightly

In the minds, souls, and spirits

Of all who love you.

  

Rest peacefully, my Rory,

Until we meet again,

And we dance on the beaches of Heaven

Wearing our wings together.

Glass

Contradiction

Filtration

Distraction

Interruption

Accept or deny

the right to view one's self

the way others do.

Beauty to some is disappointment to self.

Strength to some is brokenness to self.

Half leveled glass.

Empty with fear?

Full of hope?

Dance away the negative.

Laugh away the rejection.

Sing away the panic.

Breath away the past...

And when it shows up

to torment the progress,

mute the noise,

inhale,

and step forward, not back.

Seemingly impossible...

winning the arguement I have with myself...

to prove that the violence,

betrayal, abuse, tragedy, and heartbreak

were character building blocks.

But this glass,

be it half empty or full...

is still mine.

And I'll choose to add more hope,

and when challenges show themselves,

I will  keep it from spilling

with a steady hand

that has found it's stability

in the circle of few who have stood by

with support and love.

The few, who have held me together

with prayers, and wet shoulders.

The ones who have kept my glass

from shattering.