Suitcase

On a journey of sorts
Close eyed
Listening
Hair pulled back tight
Skin pale
Hopeful

Caught up in a symphony
A tune that pulls like gravity
Plants me down firmly when I try to wonder
An unavoidable painful pleasure

Shivers
Poison
Laughter
Despair

I didn't notice-
As far as you could tell
I didn't primp
Only laughed at myself
Amused by the secret
The pointlessness
Tripping over the emotion

Running away
The grass here is dying
Throat dry
I've hit repeat too many times

Buy a ticket
Pack a suitcase

Search for something Devine
Inhale new air
Feel the sun burn differently
Taste the salt of a new sea
And around the rim of a new glass

Bargain with strangers
Question everything
Decide what air
What sun
What salt
You can't live without
And draw a line

Rise each day
From the resting place you create
To either pain or free yourself

Show mercy to the dreams of your childhood
Allow shame to exit your soul
Let God flow out of your fingers
And light shine out if your eyes

Be strong
Be unrecognizable
Be transformed

Begin

On a Train with a Secret

Acrylics on Canvas

Artist: Kate Hart

Can't Sleep

Give me something, please...
Something strong,
Something quick,
To quiet the noise,
To slow the anxious heart beats,
To ease my swollen eyes.

Let me lose myself for awhile...
Drown out the question on repeat-
"Why aren't I enough?"
Everyone wants something else,
Someone else,
Leaving me...
Standing wide eyed and open armed,
Holding my gifts of unconditional love,
Endless admiration,
And laughter of joys yet to come.
Gifts wrapped in flesh,
Tied up tight with wishful thinking.

I was beautiful once...
Less damaged.
Now it's an unpredictable combo
Of tough and crumbling.
Which will I be today?

Distraction seeking me.
Adventure seeking me.
Anything seeking me...
To keep my thoughts at bay.
Walking on ledges.
Sinking under waves.
It's alright, girl...
Someday it's gonna change.
You'll lock eyes with a stranger
Who will never want to look away,
Who will help you hold your balance,
And pull you up for air.

Your laughter will dance in their ears,
Your smile will send aches into their bones.
They will live, and love, and taste everything that is YOU,
And they will know that they are home.

Someday.
One day.

I need to sleep.

Veil

What if just for one day
I tore off the veil,
Indulged myself in honesty
And held back nothing?

What if people got to hear
The inner workings of my heart,
Exposing all thoughts and desires,
The lovely and hideous that harbor internally?

Shall we dance, you and I?
Yes, you...
 The one with no clue.
Would you be prepared to soak in the truth
Unfiltered?
It will fall like hail, I assume,
Cracking windshields of ignorance.

Shall we sit, you and I?
Yes, you...
The one I secretly long for.
Can you take a moment to clear your mind
Uninterrupted?
I will expose myself raw,
Crumbling walls of blindness.

Shall we hash this out, you and I?
The one who tore my soul.
Would you be prepared to shut your filthy mouth?
I'll sow it shut.
It will hurt like hell,
Repaying years of  emotional violence.

Shall we visit, you and I?
Yes, you...
The one I lost too soon.
Can you fly down and wipe my tears?
Breathe on my neck one more time?
It will calm my spirit,
Refreshing belief in God and man.

What if just for one day,
People had to listen, had to see,
Unable to avoid the knowledge
Of the admiration or disdain?

Would all things remain the same?
Would lights turn on and redirect?
Or would all stay unchanged,
Leaving me naked and vulnerable,
Veil at my feet,
Alone?

Artwork by: Julia Trops
(http://www.rubylane.com/item/456719-femalenude30-12/Original-Art-Veil-Scarf-Female)

Fight

Ingest it...
Your self created poison,
Seasoned with your manipulations,
Served scolding hot
With the hell fire that is surely one day your destiny.

The words of your mouth
Can burn like gasoline
Melting flesh and confidence,
Turning peace and hope into ashes.

Do you sleep?
Are you relaxed with the notion that your disguise
Is made so well
That observers pass you by unaware
Of the vulgarity and violent insecurity
You exhale into the atmosphere?

But you are clumsy,
Predictable,
And your eyes are vacant...soulless.
You blame my departure,
But you were empty long before I tried to love you.
God knows I tried.
I tried to love you, despite of yourself.

But you imprisoned me.
Striped me naked of my self respect and peace of mind.
You p****ed across the doorway of my freedom,
Marking your territory like the dog you are.

I felt it...
The cold,
The panic.
I trembled in fear of the lifelessness of everything I was.
And I became desperate for air.

So I breathed...
A deep long breath.
And I ran with all my might.

Your attempts to punish me since,
Have returned only to punish you,
Trapping you into a fake life,
A fake love,
A fake future.
Suffocating yourself,
Only no one can rescue you.
So choke.
Gasp for each breath.

I've got a life to live,
And all the oxygen I need.