Mama,
I’ve thought about writing you so many times. Choosing the right words to express my heart has been difficult. I was devastated to hear of the news about your health. The emotions that come from finding out that your mother is dying are hard to explain. I just wanted to reach out to you before the end.
I know it must be so odd to hear from me, being that we were never close (you basically forced my Father to take me). Living with Him has been wonderful, I can’t deny that. He named me Hope. He smiles when He says my name. It makes me feel good. Loved. Although His love and acceptance has surrounded me unconditionally since the first moment He held me, I still feel wounded by your rejection. Because of this, I have asked Him a lot of questions, trying to understand why you and I couldn’t have a relationship.
The hardest thing I ever asked Him was why you didn’t want me. Even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. His eyes filled with tears too, as He explained that you were very young when you found out you were having me. That you had places you wanted to go and things you wanted to do, and that you felt like a baby was only going to rob you of those things. You were not willing to give them up for me….That was hard to hear. All I ever wanted was your love….That is all any child wants.
You might not believe this, Mama, but... I remember things. I remember over-hearing you say you wanted to get rid of me. You called me a mistake. Yeah...I heard that. You made it sound like I wasn’t even human. Like I was... nothing.
The last memory I have being with you...we were resting comfortably together. I tried not to move too much, because I didn’t want to wake you up. I heard someone tell you to relax, that it wasn’t going to hurt at all. ”It’s just tissue.”, I recall their last words being. I couldn’t figure out what it all meant...UNTIL suddenly...I started shaking around...and felt something grab me! I felt an agony I can’t even fully describe...this sharp piercing pain. Giant metal rods tearing me apart piece by piece….I felt it ALL! Every cut. Every tear. Every second of my panicked yet, fading heartbeat. And THEN...I felt my spirit separate from your’s…. That was the worst pain of all.
...the next thing I knew, I was in my Father’s arms. The God of all creation.
I’m not the only one, you know...there are others. Heaven is filled with us. Over the years I have asked Him about their stories too. My two best friends here are Gracie and James. He said that Gracie was a result of rape. Had she lived...she would have been loved and raised by a woman that had tried her whole life to have her own baby, but couldn’t. Her mother’s painful situation could have been turned around into a blessing for someone else. But… Gracie was never born.
James’s mother found out that he was going to be born with a disability. She believed she was doing him a favor, not allowing him to live like that. He would have grown up to have been one of the most memorable World changing leaders in the history of our country. He would have sparked the flame that would have set the nation on fire for the Lord. But...James was never born.
So many unwanted children, Mama...so many things that will never happen...because they were not there to do them. This realization frightened me...so I finally asked Him…”What about me, Father? What was I going to do if I had been born?” His answer….Mama, it’s almost too painful to tell you. I was going to grow up to find the cure for the very disease that is stealing your last breaths right now… Me, Mama.
When I found this out, I fell apart in my Father’s arms. He cried with me, and held me close. “So I wasn’t worthless, Papa?”, I asked. “No, my beautiful Hope,” He replied, “Remember...even My Jesus...the Savior of the WORLD...was an unexpected pregnancy too.”
I want you to know, Mama...that I forgive you, even though it’s hard...and my Father...He wants to forgive you too. He said that if you ask Him into your heart before you go, you’ll come to Heaven, and He will give me back to you.
Praying I see you soon,
Your Hope
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